


Man in the Mirror

by curlysupergirl



Series: Weight: An Obsession [3]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Glam Rock RPF
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M, messed up thought process
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-16
Updated: 2012-05-16
Packaged: 2017-11-05 11:27:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/405890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlysupergirl/pseuds/curlysupergirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Adam does when Tommy is not home to help him push through.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Man in the Mirror

What do you do when you look in the mirror

And you don’t like the man you see?

And realistically, you know, you're never going to be that image that you desire.

You just can’t.

You can’t not eat.

And you can’t throw up even though you’ve tried.

Because it’s not healthy.

So you stop.

You stop forcing yourself to expel the food.

And you relax.

Get a little more confident.

That’s when you slip up.

That’s when you start gaining weight again.

And you look in the mirror.

And you’re disgusted.

Disgusted by what you look like,

By how you feel.

Because you don’t want to be that person.

You don’t want to create health problems for yourself.

You’ve seen enough cases to know that that’s bad.

So you ignore the nausea you feel.

Maybe it’s just the food you ate for dinner.

Or lack thereof, because if you are truthful with yourself, you put back the ziti you made because it was making you nauseous.

And why?

Because the last time this happened, you couldn’t eat ziti.

It was carbs.

And not filling.

And just plain bad in your mind.

And now every time you smell the pasta with that tomato sauce and spices, you get a little nauseous.

A memory from last time.

The unhealthy time.

So you skip dinner.

You had cereal when you came home. That’s enough.

And maybe for someone skinnier it is.

But for you it isn’t. And you know it.

But you’re nauseous and if you go into the kitchen, you’ll eat, and that just brings the taste of bile up even more in your mouth.

So you distract yourself.

Watch a TV show.

Anything to stop you from throwing up.

Or worse, making yourself throw up.

You feel heated.

It’s uncomfortable.

Probably dehydrated.

So you get a cup of ice-water.

Then another.

The second one starts to make you nauseous.

But you finish it, knowing that even if the nausea is not just psychological, your body is telling you it needs water.

So you push down the bile, not grinning but you do bear it.

Then you go upstairs.

And break down.

Crying.

Why can’t I look the way I want?

Why do I have a bulge hanging over the line of my pants in the mirror?

Why can’t I just get rid of it?

So you resolve.

Fruits and vegetables for snacks.

No extra carbs unless you need it for lunch.

No junk whatsoever.

And no extra snacks if you can ignore your hunger for the next few days.

Just push through it.

And hope that you’ll lose the weight.

As physically healthily as you can.

Even if the psychology behind it is not healthy.

At least you’ll look good.


End file.
